Discipline vs Punishment
By Kathy

copyright© 2002

I have noticed a theme around the subject of discipline vs punishment. Being a very strong-willed and independent sort, I found it very difficult to reconcile my deep inner need for a strong, dominant mate with my need to be my own person. I launched an intensive word study, which eventually helped me clarify these conflicts in my mind. I realize this is a rather long post, but I hope it will be helpful to others as well as myself. As my husband would have said, I may well be stepping into a cow pie here, but such is life. If I say nothing, I cannot possibly be part of the solution and therefore am part of the problem. So here goes ---

DEFINITIONS

dominant - most influential

influence - the power to produce an effect without using coercion

husband - (original) - the manager of a household or establishment; steward
    v.t. - to manage carefully; be saving of; to make the most of

manage - (original) - to treat carefully; use sparingly; to husband
    v.t. - to conduct affairs

syn: manage, conduct, direct all mean to guide or handle with authority;
manage - emphasizes the idea of skillful handling of people and details so as to get results

authority - the power to enforce obedience; the right to command

steward - (original) - house guardian

control - to have power over; to hold back; keep down; restrain
    syn: rule, repress

submission - yielding to the authority of another; obedience; humbleness
    syn: comply

Latin: submittere < sub (under) + mittere (move, let go or send)

submit - (original) - a giving up of all resistance and giving in to the power, will or authority of another

subservience - slavish obedience; tamely submissive; servile

headship - leadership

humbleness - (original) - without wrongful pride in oneself or one's accomplishments

Submission implies a willing choice to move under the authority of another. That implies accepting that person's right to command and to expect obedience. If the husband is performing his duties properly, everything he does will be for the ultimate welfare, growth and positive development of his household. "To make the most of," means to bring to maximum fruition.

A controller is one who has power (original meaning being a military force) over. The implication is of one, who holds back, keeps down, restrains - which inhibits growth and free expression and development. Controllers demand subservience.

In my personal experience, controllers use head games and emotional blackmail and/or physical power to undermine those they seek to keep under their rule. While it is possible for a controller to have very honorable intentions of wanting what is best for those under them, they are essentially threatened by their growth because it implies a threat to their supremacy.

But it is important to note that a man can be in control (or in charge) of a situation or a person without being CONTROLLING.

A dominant person is a leader and most often a teacher by nature. Growth is an essential goal. A true leader is not threatened by the growth of those in his care because he understands that an increase in one increases the whole.

DEFINITIONS

discipline - training, esp. of the mind or character
     v.t. to train; to make skillful by teaching and practice

punishment - pain, suffering or loss inflicted as a recourse to a fault or offense

What makes a spanking either discipline or punishment is not how hard one is spanked, nor with what implement, or for how long. What makes the difference is the intent, motivation and goal of the one who spanks. If the spanker is a dominant leader, if his goal is to teach and help, guide and improve the life of the one he spanks, the spanking is discipline.

If his goal is to exert his power to prove he can, though enforce his control, to suppress his partner's will or freedom, it is punishment.

Leaders discipline (regardless of the severity), controllers punish

I have always been able to "feel" the intent of the one who is ministering to me, and from what I read on these lists, I believe most women do, also. When I feel a man's intent is to help and teach me, I am drawn to him emotionally. It makes me feel loved, protected and cared for. When I "feel"
the intent is to simply suppress and control me, or to humiliate me, I am out-raged and profoundly offended and I pull strongly away form future contact.

I have also encountered the concept of using humiliation to enforce control. To humiliate means to lower the pride, dignity and self-respect of another. This lowers self-esteem and causes feelings of shame.

A true leader and disciplinarian is equally if not more lavish with his praise as he is with his spanking and/or penalties. His goal is to raise self-esteem and to motivate those he cares for to grow and to improve.

If he is successful, there will be less need for discipline as time goes on, because the person will be learning self-discipline from him.

All one learns from punishment and humiliation is fear - and fear is the very opposite of love.

This is what has worked for me - hope it helps.

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