Mr. Nasty Pants

by Michelle Carlyle
copyright © 2007

Note: This is not a complete story. For the entire story, please join our website here.

Mr. Nasty Pants was out in his yard, mowing the lawn. Gerry peered out through her blinds at her new rotten neighbor.  Well, he hadn’t started out as rotten; he’d started out really nice. Then one day, he’d turned cold. And ever since, he’d barely said a word to her.

She had no idea what she’d done to set him off. At first he’d been great, very appreciative over a casserole she’d given him when he’d first moved in. The relationship had progressed; she’d even entertained thoughts of dating him. Then one day she’d waved at him and he’d glared back and stomped back into the house.

She tried to ask him what was going on, but he wouldn’t even give her the time of day. She had no idea what happened. She asked the other neighbors and they had no problems with him. He was still friendly to them. It was only Gerry he was angry with. And he wouldn’t talk to her, so she’d never find out why.

She watched as he worked in his yard. Of course, she couldn’t really help but look at him, he was so hot. He was tall with sandy blonde hair and had that whole V-shaped torso thing going on. He had ropy arms, beefy pecs and nicely developed abs. She knew he worked out; he had a mini-gym set up in his garage and she’d seen him out running. But aside from his hunky body, it was the man’s face that was the true pleasure. Amazing bone structure, carved cheekbones and he had absolutely dreamy eyes. An odd shade of blue, almost teal. She got lost in them during their first conversation. Man, what a hunk.

His real name was Rob Kinter, and he was an engineer for Lockheed. He was divorced with no kids, around her age, late thirties, and that was about all she knew about him. And probably all she was likely to know about him, because he wouldn’t talk to her.

What had she done? She wracked her brain, but couldn’t figure out why he was so upset with her. No matter, she’d learned a long time ago that there was no way to change someone’s mind once it was made up. Her ex-husband had taught her that.

She sighed, grabbed her laptop, and checked her email. She went to her Ask Gerry account, her advice column in-box, and downloaded the new mail. Fifteen questions from readers. Well, that would keep her busy.

She was working on a response to a reader with a question about horrible relatives at weddings when her phone rang. It was Helen, her neighbor and good friend down the block.

“Helen, darling, what’s the good word? How was the business trip? You just got back yesterday, didn’t you?” Gerry asked after greeting her friend.

“This morning. Trip was great, but that’s not why I called. Right before I left, I found out why Rob Kinter doesn’t like you.”

“You did? Spill, spill!”

“He found out you were Gerry of Ask Gerry.”

Gerry’s heart sank. Not another one. “Let me guess, some response of mine pissed him off.”

“Uh… a little beyond that. His wife wrote in and you advised her to leave him.”

“What? I hardly ever—“

“Dear Suspicious In San Mateo…”

“Wait.”

“Her husband didn’t pay enough attention to her and she thought he was cheating and you agreed with her. He was out late at night, answering mysterious calls, he had secret email accounts, secret credit cards—“

“Holy crap, Suspicious in San Mateo! Of course I remember. Oh, God, that was him? He was Mr. Cheater?”

“Yes, you did refer to him as Mr. Cheater. As I recall, your response was something about if it smells like a skunk, looks like a skunk and has secret email accounts, secret credit cards, then he’s a low-down, cheating, secret emailing, secret spending skunk.”

“Oh, dear. Well, for crying out loud, what was his excuse? Who has all this secret stuff without cheating on his wife?”

“I don’t know, but I was talking to him and he mentioned liking you and wondered what you did for a living. I told him and his face went pale, then turned bright red. He said something about you ruining his life and stormed away from me, back into his house and that was it.”

“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”

“I was gone, remember? I was leaving for that business trip, some of his mail got delivered to my house, I was dropping it off on the way out. I tried to call you, your phone was busy, so this is the first chance I got to tell you.”

“You know, sometimes I hate this job. People take stuff so seriously. It’s supposed to be for entertainment purposes, you’re not supposed to change your whole life based on a write-in column.”

“Well, apparently, suspicious in San Mateo did leave him. And he wasn’t too happy about it.”

“Well, what was he doing? Why the secret email? Why the secret money accounts?”

Helen sighed. “I don’t know. I’d tell you to ask him, but he isn’t speaking to you.”

“No, he’s not. The jerk. God, this pisses me off. All I do is write a column and now this guy is blaming me for ruining his life? He was married to her, not me. Is it my fault she took my advice? No.”

“Look, I get what you do isn’t supposed to be taken seriously, but apparently his wife didn’t.”

Gerry said, “He can’t blame me for his stupid marriage failing.”

“Well, he does.”

“Then he’s an even bigger jerk than I thought.”

“Sad, but true. Most of the good-looking guys are.”

“Well, he’d better stay clear of me. I don’t take well to people who hate me because of my job.”

“Well, I wouldn’t worry about it. Seems like you two are doomed to be enemies.”

“Great, he only lives next door. I wish the Smiths hadn’t moved.”

They went onto gossiping about other people, then ended the call. Gerry hung up the phone and stared off at her new enemy. The jerk. How dare he hate her for her job? How dare he judge her like this?

As she sat there, she began to stew. She’d dealt with people like this in the past. Of course, they didn’t know it. Gerry had a side to her not many people knew about. She didn’t take crap from people, she always got revenge. They may not know she was behind it, but she always got even with those who crossed her.

Gerry laughed as her mind raced for plans of revenge. Should she glue his mailbox shut? Egg his house? Put batteries in his gas tank? Tuck food around so the rats would take up residence in his house? She didn’t know what she was going to do, but it would be fun. He wanted to hate her? Fine. But she’d earn that hatred. He’d never know it was her, but the man was about to have a streak of very bad luck. Heh-heh-heh.

Rob Kinter drove home at ten in the evening, feeling very tired. Work was exhausting. The project was almost finished, it was down to the wire and if they were lucky, they might actually make their deadline—if he could keep going at his current pace. He’d put in fourteen-hour days for the last two months, he had almost no more left to give. But he had bigwigs breathing down his neck, and he had to finish the project. Unfortunately, two people were out sick, and they’d had a power outage that day, which set them back an entire day. At least the bigwigs understood that delay. But they were still impatient and wanted the work finished. Thank the Lord, they were almost done and he and his team would have a break coming up soon. All he could think about was sleeping for a week straight.

He got home, got his mail from the driveway mailbox and headed into the house. He’d have a quick microwave meal and then it was straight to bed.

He changed into some sweats and put his dinner in the microwave. While he waited for his meal, he opened his mail. He found the strangest letter in the stack. A letter from the Post Office, needing verification on his new address change. He’d been there six months, he had no intention of leaving. What?

He was so tired, it was almost more than he could bear. He had no time to deal with the Post Office. He reread the letter. Luckily, he had to give verification. Still, he’d better get online and make sure everything was okay.

Rob’s eyes were crossed, he was so tired, but he managed to log onto the computer and make sure his address was correct. But it was the strangest thing. The USPS had his new address listed as being in Louisiana. He’d never even been to Louisiana before. And he knew his ex-wife was still in California. So odd. Must be some computer glitch. He fell into bed and instantly fell asleep.

When he woke the next morning, the house was freezing. He rushed to the thermostat and turned on the heater. Nothing happened. The pilot light must be out or the heater was broken. Botheration! Of all the bad luck. He didn’t have time to deal with it, so he hopped in the shower… but there was no hot water. Swearing loudly, he took a quick cold shower and with his teeth chattering, dried off and got dressed. He didn’t even have time to make coffee as he was already late to a meeting. He’d call the repair guy on the way to work.

In the middle of Rob’s hectic day, the repairman, a man named Bill, called and reported the problem was fixed. Bill had found a note from the power company explaining they’d had to shut off Rob’s gas to fix a line down the street. When Bill called the power company, they said they had no reports of being in the area, but did come back out and turned on the gas and relit the pilot lights. So everything was working, there hadn’t been any damages to the system, and it all seemed to be a misunderstanding with the power company.

When Rob returned home late that evening and turned on the furnace, he couldn’t believe it; it still didn’t work! He suffered through a freezing night and yet another cold shower the following morning. Exasperated, he called Bill. Bill seemed completely upset that the problem had returned. Luckily, Rob had a meeting cancelled, so he could stay home and oversee the repairs. Bill showed up and seemed astonished. The note was back from the power company, exactly the same thing he’d found the day before. They called the power company, they denied they’d been in the area, but would come back to relight his furnace and hot water heater. Rob, Bill and the representative from the power company all seemed perplexed by the problem.

Rob wondered if anyone else in the neighborhood had problems. Well, the only one who was home during the day was his Nightmare Neighbor. The Problem. The Woman Who Ruined His Life. He would have never bought the house if he’d known who she was. Gerry Jeske, or Ask Gerry, the menace advice columnist.

But now he had to talk to her. She might have seen someone at the house. Noticed something odd. The power company arriving, perhaps.

But the last thing he wanted to do was to talk to her. And he had to admit, some of his reluctance was not due to what she’d done to him. Some of it was because of his insane, annoying crush on her. Ever since the moment he saw her, all he’d done was think of her. Gerry was the most vivacious, funny, cute little redheaded woman he’d ever seen. He wanted her more than any other woman he’d met. He’d almost got the nerve to ask her out when another neighbor told him who she really was. He’d felt like a bird flying headfirst into a window. He couldn’t believe she was the woman who’d gotten his crazy ex-wife, Heather, to divorce him. Which was not the problem. He’d wanted the divorce, too.

The problem was the timing. Heather left him before he’d gotten the deed on his house straightened out. As a consequence, he’d lost the house he’d owned for twenty years. It was criminal. Admittedly, it was his own stupid fault. When he put Heather on his deed, he’d intended to put her on for five percent, but had made a mistake on the paperwork. He’d intended to take care of her in case he died, he hadn’t meant for her to fleece him after only one year of marriage. And fleece him, she did.

All because of the Nightmare Next Door. He’d been so crushed when he’d found out Gerry was Ask Gerry. And despite everything, he still wanted her. It drove him nuts that the cutest woman in the universe was someone he could never allow himself to have. He just wished she’d go away. He hated running into her, he hated seeing her. All he wanted was to throw her down and make love to her. But there was no way he’d ever truly forgive her. The relationship would be doomed.

But at the present, that didn’t matter. What mattered was finding out what happened to his power. This freezing cold house and water problems had to end.

He got up the nerve, marched over to her house and knocked on the door. It took a while for her to come to the door. Probably ruining someone else’s life with that stupid column of hers.

When she answered the door, she looked as though she’d spotted a two-headed freak on her doorstep. Or a ghost. Her eyes got large and she looked almost afraid of him. In a split second, her mood changed. Her brows furrowed, her blue eyes almost turned red from anger. What was wrong with her?

“What do you want? I thought you hated me. What could possibly have made you deign to speak to me?”

Something about the nasty expression on her face and her tone infuriated him. “I have no idea, I really don’t,” he snapped.

She glared at him and started to shut the door.

“Wait! I’m sorry.”

“You’re sorry, wow, what happened? You win the Lottery? What could make you—“

“Could you please withhold the insults for two seconds?” he demanded. “Did you see anyone at my house in the past two days? From the power company? An electrician? Anything suspicious?”

“No, why would I? What? You think I sit here and watch your house all day because my life is so pathetic I have nothing else better to do?”

“No. And I’m sorry I asked,” he said, turning on heel.

“Oh, for crying out loud. No, look, I’m sorry. No, I haven’t seen anyone. Okay? I’m sorry, too. I don’t mean to be a jerk, but you started this whole mess. Look, I’m sorry she left you, okay? But this is my job. I can’t take responsibility for what people do with my advice. And I don’t understand how you people blame me. I’m just someone who writes a stupid column for a living because her freakin’ novels won’t sell, okay? And damn it, I do a good job. I’m just trying to help people. From the information I had, my advice was sound. And I stand by it. So if you want to blame me for your marriage failing, then be my guest. But don’t expect me to take your crap and be nice to you for it. I’d rather you just left me alone.”

She went to shut the door, but he stopped her. “Wait. Gerry. Stop. I’m… oh, God, I’m sorry. You’re…” He closed his eyes and sighed. “You’re right. I hate it, but you’re right. I guess…” He felt so stupid suddenly. Here he’d blamed this adorable woman for something he’d done. What was wrong with him? Was he really still this upset over losing his house? Oh probably. “Oh, I’ve been terrible to you. I’m sorry. I just… I’ve been so stupid. Of course, it’s not your fault. I… I’ve just been so upset over losing that house, I think I lost some of my mind along with it. You obviously did nothing to my marriage. It was failing all on its own. I never should have married her, I planned on divorcing her—“

“You sure you want to have this conversation on the door stop? You want some coffee?”

“Oh, I really don’t have the time—yes, certainly. The last few days have been trying, I could use a break.”

She opened the door wider and he walked in past her. He immediately felt comfortable. Her home was full of wood and leather furniture, her decorations were tasteful and classic. Nice landscapes on the wall, the shelves full of books. She gestured towards her living room and he chose a seat on a large couch. Gerry brought in coffee on a little tray with cream and sugar. She sat on a chair near him.

She looked lovely today. Her curly red hair was pulled back in a ponytail, wisps had escaped and framed her sweet heart-shaped face. Her blue eyes sparkled with curiosity as she faced him. A smattering of freckles spread across her delicate nose and her lips were rosy and full. All he could think about was kissing her.

Which startled him. He knew he was attracted to her, but this was a little past that. Now that they’d broken the tension, all he felt was lust and affection for her.

He shrugged. “Well, I guess I was in the middle of confessing what an idiot I’ve been, I guess I took the divorce harder than I thought. And I don’t mean losing her, I mean… losing so much financially. I know that sounds—“

Gerry waved a hand. “I get it, I’ve been there. Lost a house I cared about myself. Lived in the Los Gatos hills in an architectural dream home for fifteen years. Now I’m in this little modest thing. I love it, but it was a come down.”

“Yes, me, too. I lost the home I helped build and I was in it for twenty-two years.”

“Bummer.”

He nodded. “Yes. And I planned on leaving her, I started the financial end of things. She caught on, wrote to you and thought I was having an affair. I wasn’t, but I was getting ready to leave her. But she left me before I could straighten out the deed and I lost the house and had only been married to her for a year.”

“I’m sorry. She—“

“Lied in the question. And it’s not your fault and I’m embarrassed I was angry with you. I just… it was such a shock. I’d transferred so much anger onto that writer… I mean, you. I just…”

“I get this sometimes. People freak out when they actually meet me. Surprised I’m a real person.”

“Maybe so. Still, I apologize if I’ve been cold to you, it was stupid and thoughtless.”

“It’s okay. I get it, we all have bad times.”

“You’re very kind.”
“Yeah… very…” she said, a shadow passing behind her eyes. She frowned and seemed troubled.

“What?”

She seemed startled for a moment, then brightened, smiling. “Oh, nothing.”

“I seem to be having all sorts of bad luck. I misunderstand you and cause a rift between us when we were getting along so well. Then my stupid furnace breaks or something. The weirdest things have been happening to me and at such a busy time. I’ve been working fourteen-hour days and on top of all this pressure at work, my gas line got shut off. A note was left supposedly from the power company, but they say they haven’t been in the area. For two days I’ve had no heat or no hot water. Froze to death trying to take a shower in the morning.”
“That’s awful, I’m so sorry,” she said, seeming very moved by his story. She was so sympathetic!

“Yes and all sorts of other things have happened.”

“Yeah, that stuff with the Post Office, that sucks. Really bad luck.”

“Yeah, my address change, that was so… odd…” Wait. How did she know about that? He examined her closely and Gerry looked like she was about to burst into tears.

It suddenly all came clear to him. Somehow she was at fault. Somehow she did this to him. She couldn’t have. But there it was, guilt all over her face.

“Gerry… how did you know about that?” he asked.

“Know about what?”

“The Post Office mess.”

“You mentioned it.”

“No, I did not.”

“You didn’t?” she asked in a squeak, her eyes shifting to the floor.

“Gerry… do you have something to confess to me? Perhaps you got a little angry with me? Decided to play some tricks on me to make yourself feel better?”

She looked like she was about to pop. “I’m sorry! I didn’t know you were nice! You were so mean! I… I… oh, crap. I just confessed! I never confess! Damn it, why did you have to move next door? You’re all hot, I have this massive crush on you, you treat me like dirt, I got mad! I’m sorry, but you were mean and I… Oh, God, I just confessed to liking you! I’m gonna die!” she said, looking more adorable than he’d ever seen her.

He stood up, grabbed her and kissed her. He felt like he fell into a pool of lust. And love. Her taste, her soft lips, her eager tongue meeting his gave him a hard-on so quick, he felt like his pants would burst.

The image of his reflection in the mirror that morning with his teeth chattering intruded in on his lovemaking.

He had to settle something before he made love to her.

Rob sat down, pulling her across his lap.

“Rob, what are you doing?”

“Getting even,” he said. “And teaching you a lesson about my limits. And about breaking the law.”

He grabbed the backs of her sweats and pulled them down to her knees. Her little buns were wiggling across his lap, just the sight of them, covered by the thin material of her red silk panties made him even harder than before.

But he had to continue. Love later, punishment now. She needed a lesson. For now and for the future.

To Be Continued...